Amusingly, the
marriage question seems to come from all directions in my life, whether my
grandma is kindly reminding me that I could bring a special someone to our
reunions anytime I like, or here in Chad where complete strangers are known to
propose on the spot hoping for free immigration status. In general the topic of
marriage is inevitable when getting to know Chadians and they always seem a
little surprised to find out that a young women such as myself is both
unattached and unafraid of the future. While it may be perfectly normal for a
young Canadian women to be traveling or focusing on education, finding a
husband is of paramount social importance for Chadian women and all the single
ladies are watching the clock to make sure they don’t get too close to 25
without securing a dowry. This time of year, with the rains long gone and the
heat subdued, there’s plenty of events going on. So even while I play the role
of long-distance maid-of-honour for my best friend in Canada, I’m taking note
of how things are done Chadian style.
And do Chadians
ever have style! Last Friday my friend Charlee came into work with her hands
and feet covered in beautiful henna art. She was going to have a part in her
cousin’s dowry celebration the next day and invited me to come along. We
arrived early in the morning to find that dozens of friends and relatives had
already begun filling the small courtyard of the bride’s home. There was a DJ
and a sound system playing upbeat African and International favourites, and
chairs were being lined up for some sort of ceremony. As I took in the scene,
Charlee took me by the hand and led me to a separate room just off the
courtyard where the bride was seated on a pile of floor pillows. This is where
she enjoys the party, surrounded by aunts, sisters, cousins, and friends. It’s
not considered proper for her to view the ceremony. The mood in the room was
lively and fun as the women greeted, laughed, teased, and laughed some more. Before
long the groom’s family arrived (the groom doesn't attend the ceremony either).
They filed in carrying large platters of useful and beautiful items – soaps,
boxes of sugar, stacks of cloth, piles of shoes, seeds, oil, and crates of
fizzy drinks. The chairs quickly filled up so people crowded together on the
porch of the house like they were posing for a large family photo around the
pile of gifts. Then the proceedings began.
One family
member stood and greeted the crowd with charisma. After a flourish of
introductions, a mat was ceremonially brought and rolled out in the small bit
of open courtyard left between chairs and fizzy drinks. Members of the two
families came and sat on either side of the mat. Greetings were exchanged, and
then the ‘negotiating’ began. I should add that even through the complete
language barrier, it was clear that the entire event was staged for the
enjoyment of the two families. Any real decision making was done long before
the ceremony, and both families were clearly thrilled at the prospect of the
marriage. But on the day of the dowry it’s one for the money, two for the show…
The father of the groom pulled 200 000 francs ($400) from his pocket, and the
banter began. The family of the bride was clearly unimpressed at the insufficient
sum. After some time, the grandfather pulled out the extra 50 000 ($100) to
help his grandson’s cause, and still more banter and laughter from the crowd.
Eventually the grandfather sheepishly pulled out a single 1000 franc note ($2)
as if to say “really, this is all we've got” and everyone laughed, agreements
were made, hands were shaken, and the dancing began (yes, for me too!)
On the way
back to my house I had lots of questions for Charlee. Why doesn't the couple
attend the ceremony? What does a dowry of 250 000 francs mean socially? What
exactly was being said between the families? …There is still much that I don’t
understand, but I’ll share a few notes. Compared with our western traditions, it
may seem strange at first that the couple doesn't attend the ceremony. Back
home, the couple is absolutely the center of attention for all events
associated with their wedding. However, I would say that this tradition is not so
much diminishing the couple’s role, but rather it highlights that the families
play a much more central role than in my own culture. Perhaps this is
representative of the ways that family plays a more central role in the lives
of Chadians in general. I also learned that the amount of this dowry was pretty
much average (at least for someone in this socio-economic bracket). If the price
were much higher it would reflect badly on the father of the bride, as he would
be seen to be ‘selling’ his daughter. Similarly, a less than average gift would
suggest that the bride was not worth a proper dowry.
Overall, I
think I see more similarities between our traditions than I expected to find. I
think at the end of the day, it’s really about the community coming together to
support the future of the couple. Back home we function in a society where a
bride and groom are starting an independent life together, and all financial
support tends to go directly to the couple. In Chad, as in many African
cultures, financial inter-dependency within families is the fiscal norm. The
couple may be starting a new chapter in life but they’re not necessarily
becoming any less dependent on family connections and support. In this way,
perhaps trading money between the families is as much a sign of unity as the marriage
ceremony itself.
And
speaking of ceremonies, the next big celebration will be the wedding of another
co-worker in early December. It’s a Chadian tradition that the bride arranges
for friends and family to tailor outfits from the same cloth for the wedding
day, and my custom dress is in the works. I’m honoured to be included and
curious what this next celebration will have in store!
